Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Be My Editor

Here is a story I am writing. I need your help. Can you be my editor? If you find typos, things you would change, or anything else, tell me! I will post the whole story once it's done. Ready, set, edit! (by the way, I'm just going to keep adding to this until it's done)

 The eight-year-old twin cousins stood watching the baby Marie wiggle and squirm.
Libya frowned.
Johnny frowned.
The baby Marie was surprised at this.
Had they expected something other than a two-day-old baby?
“She’s ugly!” Johnny sneered
“Yeah, she’s ugly!” Libya agreed.
Marie’s mother peered over the edge of the crib. 
“I think you’re beautiful.” She whispered.
“She’s too big,” Libya complained.
“No she is not! She is completely too small!” Johnny contradicted.
Marie said nothing. It was useless to argue. Plus, she couldn’t even speak yet.
The baby’s mother picked her up. “I think you are the perfect size. Six pounds, four ounces,” she cooed into the purple and green blanket. Marie tried to coo back, but only a foolish squeak came out. Libya and Johnny stayed for twenty-eight more miserable minutes. When they left, the mother and baby went for a walk in the hospital hallway as they waited for her father. Mama pushed the wheeled crib in front of her and maneuvered it so gently that Marie could hardly believe that this was her first baby.

It was six years later, and Marie had just celebrated her birthday.
Unfortunately, she was the only one celebrating.
Her mother and father, she was told, had died soon after she was born.
She lived in a foster home.
Nobody cared about her.
But one day, everything changed.
Her aunt and uncle came to get her.
It was a horrible day.

The fourteen-year-old twin cousins stood watching the girl Marie shift and squirm.
Libya frowned.
Johnny frowned.
The girl Marie was surprised at this.
Had they expected something other than a six year old girl?
Johnny sighed. “She’s still ugly,” He decided.
“And puny!” Libya cried.
“Now, children,” Aunt Ann chided, “Don’t-”
 Libya broke in. “We’re not children! Come on Johnny!” They both ran outside and slammed the door. Aunt Ann snorted. Then she showed Marie to her room.

Marie sat down on her bed. She sighed twenty-four times before starting to unpack. When she undid the clasp and opened the suitcase, a large warty toad sprang out. Marie bit back a screech of surprise and let the toad hop into a jar so she could carry it outside. She was sure that it was some of Johnny and Libya’s work.

At dinner, (which was stewed liver, Brussels sprouts, and apricots) Marie kept perfectly silent, except when spoken to. “Ewww, I hate the smell of liver!” Libya shrieked. “I hate the taste of it even more!” Johnny shouted. Aunt Ann sighed. “You have to eat it, isn’t that right, Henry?” she inquired. “That’s precisely what you have to do,” Uncle Henry affirmed, “or you will go to bed early with no dessert.” The twins subjected, but not without considerable grumbling. After Marie was done with her dinner, she said calmly, “It was very good, Aunt!” Aunt Ann beamed. “Then you may have some brownies, if you want,” she smiled. Marie ate the fudgy brownies, while Johnny and Libya made faces at their liver. 

It was a few days later, and Aunt Ann took Marie to the department store, for more clothes. Marie was looking through the aisles, when suddenly she smelled something that startlingly, indescribably, reminded her of her mother. She looked down the aisle to a little perfume stand. Marie browsed the stand. Chumhrán Scents, Essence of Hajuves, Kvepalai Fragrance, Liver Perfume-LIVER PERFUME! Marie giggled a little, then smiled slowly, as an idea came to her.

“MOTHER!” Libya and Johnny barreled down the stairs to where Aunt Ann and Marie were looking through photo albums. Johnny glared at Marie. “Our room smells like liver.” Aunt Ann wrinkled her brow. “Liver?” She started to giggle and Marie joined in. The twins did not. They continued to glower and then Libya said, “It’s all her fault.” Aunt Ann looked at Marie, who tried to look innocent. “Oh Libya,” she scoffed, “Marie is only six years old.” Aunt Ann went up to the twins’ bedroom. “Ugh, it smells awful in here!” Marie had done a thorough job.

Johnny and Libya had to sleep in their own small room that night. Marie had virtuously offered to sleep there, but thankfully Uncle Henry wouldn’t hear of it. “It’ll teach them to like liver,” He said. They were also not allowed to complain about it. The family dog gladly slept in the room too.

Grace be with you,

Abby :D


N.T.Jordan said...

THere is only one thing. It says 'Mama pushed the wheeled crib in front of her and maneuvered it so gently that Marie could hardly believe that this was her first baby'. Can Marie believe that? I thought she was tiny.

Great Story!

N.T.Jordan said...

Hey Abby I did this thing on Word. I made a sort of collection of your stories.
I'll send it to you soon

Abby said...

Thanks for the suggestion! Good point... how do you think I should change it? :D

Your stories are great too!

Abby :D

Maggie said...

Okay, I can't edit this so far because it's GREAT! I'll keep my eyes peeled if when you post the next one.

Great story!


♥Bleah♥Briann♥ said...

Hey Abby! I found u over at Eldarwen's Chatbox. I'm following you! Maybe *wink* *wink* you could follow me???? If nothing else talk to me on my chatbox! hehehe.
With Love and Blessings,
Bleah Briann