Saturday, June 4, 2011

good idea?

This is a story idea I had yesterday, and I just got around to typing it up. I'm not too sure what to do with it, though. So I decided to get your advice: Should I continue, or just delete it? And if I continue, do you have any ideas for what should happen next? Anyway, here it is. Enjoy!

Every time my sister caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she would stand for a long time admiring her own face. In conversation, her attention was on herself, gazing critically at her nails or smoothing her hair. She would interrupt people or just burst out singing—like the actors in musicals—just for the sake of hearing her own voice. Sometimes she would catch her shadow on the ground, and she’d stand watching it dance back and forth, her slim figure moving on the grass. Once she found a polished silver tray in the kitchen and stood for hours, mesmerized by her face in its smooth surface. Of course, she did have good points too. She wept for days when she saw a bird that had been killed by a cat, or when our old dog died of pneumonia. Our recently widowed neighbor who had seven children was surprised by our sister carrying a big chocolate cake. Some days she would wake up early and make eggs and bacon for breakfast. Her sewing and embroidery were superb. But all this still did not hide the fact that she was abominably vain.

What do you think?
Grace be with you,

Abby :D

ps. don't forget to enter Marelle's giveaway!


Sheean said...

I think this is superb Abby.
I do not think you should delete it as it is beautiful prose. To make it even better I offer one suggestion:

Delete the first sentence. You can just start the passage with:

"Every time my sister caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she would stand for a long time admiring her own face."

We can gather that the sister must be vain from this statement, so no need for the first. Plus, it draws the readers into the story better, making them want to read it.
Also: omit the word casual from the phrase casual conversation and old from the phrase old dog. It's little corrections like that, I have learned, that make us better writers!

Your friend,

Abby said...

Sheean~ Great! Thanks so much for the tips!

Marelle said...

This is a great story intro, Abby! I can't wait to hear the rest!

And thank you for mentioning my giveaway twice, I really appreciate it:) But I'm having a problem, Blogger won't let me view my followers so thats kind of giving me a problem witht the contest. Do you know anything about it? Thank you!